"It's Been a Long December....

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...."

I'm premature in writing this post as we are still three days away from the New Year. 2013. I never expected to see you so fast. I never expected to see you under these circumstances.

I haven't been blogging for some time. I've been busy. Busy living life, busy watching it crumble and busy trying to build it back up. This morning I found myself reading the posts I've written over the last few years and I'm nauseated. Save yourself the trouble of reading them yourself and take my word for it, I was lost. It is blatantly clear to me that I was putting hope into all the wrong things. Looking for things to fill the void inside that would never come close.

And now I sit with a heavy heart, painfully aware of whats been happening inside and out. Grateful for the 20/20 vision God has granted me. It's never easy to see yourself clearly, to identify where you've strayed and try and make amends to those who've been hurt along the way. Nonetheless it's a gift from God. I'm ready to see, to learn and to move forward into the new year striving for better.

I feel lighter. Not bogged down by all the things I was trying to manage. Not worrying about juggling all the things that I thought would fulfill me. Now it's just God. I'm looking to Him to fill the void. To be enough for me this year regardless of what else does or does not happen. No relationship or job or community or black lab or money or hobbies or material things can fill the void I was feeling. It's only Him. And in that comes peace. Peace in knowing that I will be okay without any of those things. Peace in knowing that He has a plan for me, and even though I don't know what that plan is, peace in knowing that He does.

I'll step into 2013 with peace and God in my heart. Heartbroken yes, longing for second chances to do things better, to do things through Him, the only way they should be done, yes, but peace and kindness and grace and love nonetheless.

A Very Vague Puzzle Analogy

Oh hey there. Yeah I'm still here. Taking hiatus I guess. Really my life has been less than blogable lately. Well actually some stuff has gone down but I'm not sure it's blogable.

The thing with blogging you see is that there is this fine line between being transparent and sharing my life and trampling on the privacy of others. I've tangoed with that line before. So through the following you will find a glimpse of my life and heart in the present time in the most vague way possible. It is my hope that by the time I'm done you will have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Now that I've got you chomping at the bit......

I've been waiting a long time for the pieces of my life to fall into place. Haven't we all? And are the pieces ever really all in place? It's like a puzzle, just when you think the last piece has been perfectly snapped in, someone comes along and bumps the table and mixes everything up again. Thanks.

So recently some pieces that I thought were lost forever found their way back onto the table. I haven't snapped them into place for good get, but they are hovering. I had this amazing moment of peace several months ago in which I gave everything I was worried about up to God. I said, "God, take it away. I don't want this worry or stress or control, it's Yours. I trust you and this path I'm following blindly." And what do you know, the man upstairs came through when I wasn't expecting it.

Nothing is that easy though. I think I expected God to hand the pieces to me on a platter and say, "Here you go, the pieces you thought were goners. Take them and enjoy." And just when I was basking in the glory of my found pieces God says, "Hold up, you must work for this."

Right now things aren't going according to my plan. One step forward, two steps backwards. And then I remember, this isn't my plan. It's still God's and I'm still supposed to be following like a good little blind lamb. Only this time I feel like my blindfold has been slightly lifted. I've caught a glimpse and it makes it that much harder to give it back to Him. I'm asking for help constantly. Giving up my anxiety and fear and frustration. Asking Him to take it back and hold my hand as I walk.

What would this puzzle be without a little work anyways. The reward would be a heck of a lot less if it was pre assembled when you take it out of the box. The best pieces are worth getting down on your hands and knees on the floor and searching through the piles of dog hair that live under your table for. Okay gross, I'm going to vacuum.

Happy Blogerversary

Ive officially been blogging for a year. It's flown by. Like wow time, stop moving so fast. I have been so anxious for things in my life to happen that I feel like I've missed a whole year. I've accomplished some of the things on my list and not done so many others. Ferris Bueller was right, life does move pretty fast and if you don't stop and look around once in awhile you WILL miss it. So here is to making each day count. Except the last few days. I've come down with some kind of virus that has left me feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I'm desperate for a vacation with none in sight. I guess they all count, even the sick days. I'm just better at appreciating the healthy ones. What's the point of this post you say? I don't really have one. I'm just grateful for another year to share my story and I'm going to try and appreciate this one more. So slooooooow it down, breathe deep and smell the Denali forest.....

The Waiting Game

We do a lot of waiting in life. Waiting for others, waiting to get somewhere and waiting more when we get there. Today I've been waiting in the surgical waiting room for my dad who is having surgery today. It's a bizarre place in life when you find yourself waiting for your parents. Up until now they've always waited on me. It's like I've officially become an adult. It's slightly unsettling and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a part of growing up I guess.

 Waiting is a bizarre concept filled with silence and fatigue and strange people in the waiting room who are also waiting, and at the moment eating fried chicken that smells amazing. Nothing to do but wait. Wait for news, good or bad. Wait. Thanking God for these quiet moments with nothing to do but think about my life and where it's going. Nothing like being forced to sit and think. Nowhere to go, nothing but people watching and fried chicken to distract you from your thoughts.

Right now I feel anxiety, anger, longing, love, fatigue and guilt. What are feelings really? Things that we project upon ourselves for no reason really. I'm the only one making me feel guilt, anxiety. Others make me feel angry but should I let them? Probably not. I should probably take this opportunity to thank God for these opportunities to trust him more, be content in this moment and stop worrying about what is going to happen next and when. Living in the moment people. Right here and now with the fried chicken.

Preparing for the BAM

I've been people watching. Watching people in my life and people not in my life (there was a particular sob story on the Today Show this morning that I'm referring too here....) hit bottom. Knowing that at any minute I too could hit bottom. I watch as my friends seek God out in their time of need and then I take a step back and wonder if I would be able to come up for air if placed in their position.

Right now, in my life the answer to that is a no. I'm stumbling in my walk with God. Wondering why it takes a major life crisis to stop and notice. I've been slacking on my devotionals only to open up today's to see the words "Make me your focal point." Why should I make God my focal point when I feel happy, when things are going well. I don't need God. I'll just continue on my merry way until BAM God knocks me down and says, "Don't think you need me? I'll show you."

Well I'm trying to stand up and take notice before the BAM comes. It will, it always does. It would behove (this is an awesome word) me to strengthen my relationship with God before it does but it's so easy to forget about the one who has given you everything when things are okay. Not until things turn to shit do we take notice.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except that it's on my mind and in my heart. I'm requiring daily reminders to make God my focal point and idol. To praise and thank Him on the God days, not just ask for help on the bad days. I'm working on my communication with others but perhaps if I worked first on my communication with God with rest would follow suit. Who knew learning to talk would be so hard.

A Jumbled Mess and Making Sense of it All

Hi my name is Rachel and I come from a dysfunctional family. You too? Great. Mom, don't freak out, this post is not going to be a repeat of family week.....


Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex. 


Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding.  I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help. 


I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it. 


Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God. 


In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....




I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

Don't Mollest the Armadillo

What do you get when you combine Texas + Easter + One snuggle bunny and a 20 hour road trip....a damn good time.

My sister lives in Texas. It's a state I don't think any of us every thought we'd live in but nonetheless there she is. My mom still lives home in Chicago and me and my labbies, well we are still here in the KC. We've missed each other. Or at least I've missed them. So for Easter this year we decided we'd rendezvous in the south land of Abilene Texas. My mom hoped a yet plane to KC, I picked her up and off we drove a fun-filled 10 hours to Texas, the wildflower state (just one of the many interesting things I learned from my mom during our road trip fun.)

My mom and I both hate road trips. We both get car sick. Combine it with two smelly labbies in the back and you have a recipe for disaster. Alas, it was blissful. It was pure, uninterrupted time with my mom, something I'll cherish for life. Well, uninterrupted until the sweet jingle of my mom's iPhone alerted us to her many new hot deals flooding her email. Hi my name is Rachel's mom and I'm addicted to groupon. 

Regardless we spent the weekend basking in the Texas sun and the love of each other. That's all I'm going to say about this. The rest will live on in my memories. Here are a few pics to satisfy your eye candy. 

yes, this is a giant armadillo. only in texas. 

love you lady. 

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

I forget who said that. I guess I'll take credit. But regardless of who said it, it's the truth. For the past week I've been fostering puppies from the shelter. It's like a halfway volunteering. I get to help and play with puppies but I don't actually have to go to the shelter. Ha, halfway volunteering. Let me tell you, it's like triple volunteering. They are A LOT of work. Waking up in the middle of the night, peeing on the floor. It's like having a baby. Or three. Plus two jealous older siblings (enter Scout and Euns).

I feel like this. I may have over committed, six would have been more manageable. 

But then they do something cute and I'm like, awwww this isn't so bad. 

Totally cute. Tomorrow they leave to find forever homes. I'll be sorry to see them go. 

Giving Thanks?

Life. I've been walking around mine in a fog. I've been on hiatus. From blogging. From thinking. From feeling. Even still I'm not sure what's happening in my head, just that the words are flowing from my fingers.

Some hurdles have presented themselves recently, unexpected yet not unsurprising. The kind that all of a sudden make everything really clear. If only I could stop floating long enough to bring things into focus.

I submerged my brain into a fantasy. A story so twisted and bizarre and yet I couldn't come up for air. Have you read The Hunger Games? If so then you know why I'm going through withdrawals after the third book ended....  But it had to end some time. The time to quit daydreaming about other's problems and face my own has come. And I still stare blankly.

I have this devotional that Cyndee gave me. In the beginning it offered wonderful help. A rock of sorts to cling to, something to trust. And now it's telling me to give thanks for my struggles. To thank God for these opportunities to trust in Him.

" Make friends with the problems in your life. Thank Me for them. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you."

I'm not sure I'm there yet. I'm looking for the silver lining. For the opportunity for growth and all I find is numbness. I went back to the animal shelter this week for the first time in over a month. I was able to spend a little over an hour there. Baby steps. No tears. 

It feels a little like drowning. Waiting for my breath of fresh air. Waiting for the moment at which I am able to give thanks and breathe. I won't give up. 

A Late Valentine

A few days late my valentine arrived in the form of my mommy. Yes, I still call her mommy. She warms my heart. She brought the sun and took it with her when she left yesterday.

We had a great weekend, watched a movie (The Decedents, warning: a little bit of a downer) got pedicures, walked the dogs, and welcomed her to the 21st century. Yes, my mom got an iPhone! She even has a newer version than I do!

I was excited to help her with this and very impressed at how fast she picked it up. She has now realized that no, her fingers are not to fat to hit the right letter on the touch keypad, she can do this.

It wasn't without a little drama though. I had to remind her in a rather embarrassing display at the Apple store that she is worthy of the gifts that are given to her and that she should accept them with open arms and heart. She's just my mom and she wants to protect me, she wants to be the giver. Mom, when someone gives you a gift it's because they love you and you deserve it. I can't wait to see all the great photos you take with that awesome iPhone camera!

On the home front things have settled down. I'm trusting in God and following his plan like the little lamb that I am. I have no idea what the plan is but I take faith in the fact that my Shepard is not blind. We are taking one day at a time.

In the meantime it's February and raining. We had our first snow of the year last week and my little tulips are poking their heads out. Silly tulips, it's not time yet. I can't wait to see your smiling happy flowers in a few weeks.

On My Knees

I have said in the past that I frequently find myself to be a "beacon" to homeless animals. They seek me out, find me as if they know I drive around with a box of treats in the back of my car (ps everyone should have a dog catching kit in their car that includes a slip leash and box of treats).  Well I find myself more and more becoming a beacon for fellow dog rescuers. I've received several emergency texts or calls from friends and family in need of advice with what to do with the stray dog that is now in the back of their car.

The advice I usually give is to call the local animal control. In the county I live in this is the best solution as all dogs that get picked up by the professional dog catchers get taken to a no kill shelter where they can stay forever whilst awaiting their forever home.

When I get calls from people out of state like the one I got this afternoon from my sister who lives in rural Texas, I'm not sure I am able to give the best advice. People live differently in rural areas and they treat their animals differently. It's "acceptable" to allow dogs to roam neighborhoods freely without identification and without spaying or neutering. Why they think this is okay is beyond me. Regrettably with the different lifestyles come different attitudes of law enforcement. People look at you strangely when you say you picked up a stray dog, like "well why didn't you just leave it alone, it would have found it's way home." Maybe that's true, but maybe it would have gotten hit by a car on the VERY BUSY ROAD THAT YOU WERE LETTING IT RUN UP AND DOWN! Come on people.

So when I told my frantic sister to take this dog to the local animal control she learned the hard way the reality that is our country's way of dealing with stray pets. She was told that if the dog wasn't picked up or adopted within a week, it would be euthanized.

We both know that this is happening at shelters and pounds across the country on a scale larger than I can stomach to think about. But when it's staring you in the face with a wagging tail it hits closer to home. I can't help but sob with her as I think about the probably hundred other dogs in that shelter she didn't see that don't stand a chance. WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE OKAY WITH THIS?

Why is it acceptable for people to look the other way and pretend it's not happening? Why doesn't anyone else break into sobs during this super bowl commercial watching "Rusty" and "Mr. Sprinkles" come home. It's a Toyota for goodness sake.

But the biggest question on my heart tonight is WHY GOD DID YOU MAKE ME CARE SO MUCH?? I am literally on my knees sobbing, asking WHY??!! And what do You want me to do? PLEASE GOD, stop the tears and show me what it is I am supposed to be doing. I am on my knees, begging for Your guidance, Your plan and Your help. You've made your point, I'm horrified. Help me fix it.

To Be Continued....

I had an "episode" this morning. I went to interview at the animal shelter I've been volunteering at for a real job. A job that pays minimum wage but that would give me a purpose at the shelter. Most importantly it would keep me from wandering aimlessly down the rows of dogs with tears in my eyes feeling guilty about all the ones that want to go for a walk but that I can't take lest I spend 12+hours a day there. She wanted someone who can commit to two days a week starting next week.

I was speaking to God this morning, asking him for help. That he would show me the path he wishes for me to take, or at least take away my worry and need to know and allow me to trust completely in Him.

I had another horrible day at work yesterday. In fact, every day for the past two months has been horrible and I've dreaded going. It was chaotic and unorganized and I felt lost. I woke up this morning unsettled about the interview, knowing that my heart is probably not in a place to take on a second job when I feel myself screaming to get out of my current one.

It's disappointing to me that I feel this way suddenly about my job. I love the people I work with (for the most part), I love babies, I only have to work three days a week.... on paper it's the perfect job. But in my heart, for whatever reason, I want out. This morning was the first time I actually admitted that out loud to myself. I found myself looking for different full time jobs, jobs that wouldn't require me to be gone for 14 hours at a time. It's a trade off though, work more days to make the same money.

So in the interview I explained my passion for helping rescued animals, that it is my number one priority for my life. I explained to her my growing dissatisfaction with my current job and the transition and turmoil it has put me in. I knew in my heart that this is not the right moment to take on something like this without knowing what tomorrow will bring for me. I left with her knowing how very interested I am in this career and a promise to stay in contact as I figure out my plan. I barely made it out the door before I burst in to tears.

I sobbed all the way home. I think it's because I know it's something I want so badly. I know it's in my future and I know it is my future in one form or another. But I also know that the hole that's growing in my job is not going to go away but instead grow larger. I need to figure that one out first. It's not fair that I can't afford to do what my heart wants me to do. I need to be a nurse to pay my mortgage.

I'm focusing now on trusting God and allowing him to show me the right path. The path that will allow my career as a nurse to intertwine with my passion for dogs. To be continued.

A Lesson from the Four Legged

So yesterday at work was maybe my least favorite day of my adult life ever. There was a series of poor communication followed by me getting my ass chewed for something that wasn't even a little bit my fault.

Why do physicians think that they can treat nurses like crap? Just because we have different initials after our names and didn't spend out entire lives in school they think they have permission to walk all over us. Well I've got news for you certain jerk of a man who shall go unnamed (you know who you are), we are all in this for the same reason, the PATIENT, so get over yourself and start acting like a man not a penis.

Okay, now I feel better. Don't worry, I got my revenge via the PSN...mwahhhhhaa.

So thankfully following that I have three days off which seems like a much needed vacation. Alas, all I've been able to think about is the incident. So in an effort to get it off my mind I went to visit the doggies at the shelter.

As I was throwing a tennis ball for an adorable black labbie I had a revelation. Why can't we talk a lesson from the dogs? Imagine if everyone at work smiled from ear to ear and wagged their tail (not sure what the human equivalent of this is..) when you showed up. Imagine if they wanted nothing more to serve you and make you happy and you for them. What a world that would be. I'm just saying, it's worth looking into.

It definitely made me think though, why would I volunteer to go to work and get treated like crap? Granted this is not an every day occurrence. I would have been long gone if it were. And I love the nurses I work with, they are my family. I just think I'd rather surround myself with tail wagging happy eyed dogs who want nothing more from me then a pat on the butt and to be allowed to lick my face.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

No, this post is not about dating. I'm done thinking about that remember? I've got bigger fish to fry anyways.

If you're new to my blog or to my life, let me catch you up. I'm having a quarter life crisis. From the outside, all appears wonderful and blissful. I have a family that loves me, a great job where I get to take care of sick little babies all day, I own my own house, I have two great dogs...what more could I want right?

Well all of that is just fucking dandy. Yes, I swore. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY grateful for all of my fortunes and I know I have everyone except myself to thank for them, mainly my parents and God.

But the truth is, I'm screaming inside for someone to tell me what to do. In my last post I talked about how I've been struggling with volunteering. I've always been very passionate about rescue dogs. In college I wrote a business plan for my own dog rescue, "Changed for Good," named after the song from Wicked. Wicked is an inspiration for all things in my life but especially my passion for animals, because, I'm the one that has been changed for good by my two rescue pups. But for a lack of money and know how I became a nurse by profession and recently started volunteering again at a local shelter to try and fill that void.

Instead, the void has become a deep pit and I find myself in tears every time I leave the shelter. My sister thinks that I need to keep going, that it is "stirring something up inside of me, and that's a good thing." And part of me wants to just kick myself and force myself up from my fetal position and get on with it. Life sucks, mine doesn't, so quit crying and get a move on helping those in need.

Part of my problem is my growing dissatisfaction with my job. The 12 hour + days are kicking my ass. My motivation is waning (is that a real word?) and my lack of a desire to continue my education in this field is concerning. I love the babies and their families but it's not enough for my heart right now.

So back to the root of my problem, the little voice inside my head that is screaming for me to figure out what my purpose is, what path to take. Right now I can't even find the path, I'm a blind man crawling in the forest grasping for anything that resembles a path to jump on.

I've recently started eating healthy and "natural." I have a real interest in having a garden this summer and as I was researching "how to grow an organic vegetable garden" on the interweb I stumbled across this amazing blog Farm Girl Fare.

This amazing middle aged woman up and moved from California to middle of nowhere Missouri and became a farmer. Now, I have no intention of moving to middle of nowhere anywhere but at the same time I'm jealous of her. I want a huge garden and chickens and donkeys and a dog sanctuary.

When I told this to my mom, she asked me where this woman got all her money. Humph. Money, the ever lasting problem. And now they've increased the cost of the powerball tickets making it less likely for me to play and win.

How can I live organically, somewhere beautiful where I don't have to hear the beer bottles of my neighbor clinking outside my window, where my kids can pick fresh vegetables from my garden and learn that chickens are pets, not food (for some reason I can't consciously explain, I've been picking the chicken out of my food lately) and yet not be isolated and still have community and be close enough to go see Wicked and go to the dog beach and drop my kids off at grandma's house and go out to a nice restaurant.

If you know where this place exists, please let me know. I want a rural urban life. And I want to save animals and rescue homeless and abandoned dogs. I have no money, but all the heart.

I've been applying for second jobs to increase my bank account so that someday I might be able to do something about my unsettled-ness. Some of them are nursing related and some are not. I have no idea what I want to do, it's in God's hands. All I know is I do not want to watch Eunice's face in the window anymore as I pull out of my driveway in the morning, not to return for 13 hours.

Lord Give Me Strength

I've been slacking lately in my volunteering. I don't know why but it's so easy to talk myself out of it. That's a lie, I do know why. Two reasons really. One is my two black labbies staring at me out the window as I drive away wondering why I'm not staying to play with them.

And two, my heart breaks when I'm there. It didn't use to affect me as much in the beginning. Today, after I walked a sweet little dog named Chloe who had been abandoned at the gates of the shelter I sat in my car and cried, praying to the Lord, "Please give me strength."

What good am I doing? What more can I do? They look at me with these eyes, all full of hope and joy that I will take them and then all full of pain and sadness when I return them to their kennel. There must be a bigger purpose for me and this pain I feel for them. There must be more for me in this plight than short 20 minute walks.

I'm waiting God, "who takes hold of my right hand and says, 'Do not fear, I will help you."'

Help me make a bigger difference for all the starfish.

For Auld Lang Syne

Happy 2012. It's a new year. Alas I did not win the powerball last night, I guess it will be a new year without millions of dollars. For now. It's a long year, a lot could happen.

Is it lame that I'd rather be in bed with my labbies watching the live Coldplay concert at midnight instead of in the rain with a bunch of drunkos out a hundred bucks? Oh well, I don't think it's lame and that's exactly what we did. And since I had no hangover to recover from this morning I made it to the early service at church and spent the day walking the dogs and putting away Christmas decorations, which by the way seem to have been up for only five minutes.

Now I'm sitting on the couch with my second cup of hot chocolate watching one of my favorite movies, "My Best Friend's Wedding," which is making me homesick for Chicago.

I shall make no resolution except one. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little obsessed with finding the right guy. I've done everything I can do from online dating to trying to pick up people at work and blind dating up the wazoo. So my resolution this year is to give it up to God. I'm lifting the weight off of my shoulders and admitting I have no control.

I will still try to continue to do my part of leaving my house and making myself available. The rest is out of my hands.

So cheers to a new year, new attitudes and hopes for the best year yet. I intend to surround myself with those I love, two legged and four, and enjoy the ride.