A Jumbled Mess and Making Sense of it All

Hi my name is Rachel and I come from a dysfunctional family. You too? Great. Mom, don't freak out, this post is not going to be a repeat of family week.....


Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex. 


Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding.  I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help. 


I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it. 


Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God. 


In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....




I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.