"It's Been a Long December....

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...."

I'm premature in writing this post as we are still three days away from the New Year. 2013. I never expected to see you so fast. I never expected to see you under these circumstances.

I haven't been blogging for some time. I've been busy. Busy living life, busy watching it crumble and busy trying to build it back up. This morning I found myself reading the posts I've written over the last few years and I'm nauseated. Save yourself the trouble of reading them yourself and take my word for it, I was lost. It is blatantly clear to me that I was putting hope into all the wrong things. Looking for things to fill the void inside that would never come close.

And now I sit with a heavy heart, painfully aware of whats been happening inside and out. Grateful for the 20/20 vision God has granted me. It's never easy to see yourself clearly, to identify where you've strayed and try and make amends to those who've been hurt along the way. Nonetheless it's a gift from God. I'm ready to see, to learn and to move forward into the new year striving for better.

I feel lighter. Not bogged down by all the things I was trying to manage. Not worrying about juggling all the things that I thought would fulfill me. Now it's just God. I'm looking to Him to fill the void. To be enough for me this year regardless of what else does or does not happen. No relationship or job or community or black lab or money or hobbies or material things can fill the void I was feeling. It's only Him. And in that comes peace. Peace in knowing that I will be okay without any of those things. Peace in knowing that He has a plan for me, and even though I don't know what that plan is, peace in knowing that He does.

I'll step into 2013 with peace and God in my heart. Heartbroken yes, longing for second chances to do things better, to do things through Him, the only way they should be done, yes, but peace and kindness and grace and love nonetheless.