Happy Blogerversary

Ive officially been blogging for a year. It's flown by. Like wow time, stop moving so fast. I have been so anxious for things in my life to happen that I feel like I've missed a whole year. I've accomplished some of the things on my list and not done so many others. Ferris Bueller was right, life does move pretty fast and if you don't stop and look around once in awhile you WILL miss it. So here is to making each day count. Except the last few days. I've come down with some kind of virus that has left me feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I'm desperate for a vacation with none in sight. I guess they all count, even the sick days. I'm just better at appreciating the healthy ones. What's the point of this post you say? I don't really have one. I'm just grateful for another year to share my story and I'm going to try and appreciate this one more. So slooooooow it down, breathe deep and smell the Denali forest.....

The Waiting Game

We do a lot of waiting in life. Waiting for others, waiting to get somewhere and waiting more when we get there. Today I've been waiting in the surgical waiting room for my dad who is having surgery today. It's a bizarre place in life when you find yourself waiting for your parents. Up until now they've always waited on me. It's like I've officially become an adult. It's slightly unsettling and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a part of growing up I guess.

 Waiting is a bizarre concept filled with silence and fatigue and strange people in the waiting room who are also waiting, and at the moment eating fried chicken that smells amazing. Nothing to do but wait. Wait for news, good or bad. Wait. Thanking God for these quiet moments with nothing to do but think about my life and where it's going. Nothing like being forced to sit and think. Nowhere to go, nothing but people watching and fried chicken to distract you from your thoughts.

Right now I feel anxiety, anger, longing, love, fatigue and guilt. What are feelings really? Things that we project upon ourselves for no reason really. I'm the only one making me feel guilt, anxiety. Others make me feel angry but should I let them? Probably not. I should probably take this opportunity to thank God for these opportunities to trust him more, be content in this moment and stop worrying about what is going to happen next and when. Living in the moment people. Right here and now with the fried chicken.

Preparing for the BAM

I've been people watching. Watching people in my life and people not in my life (there was a particular sob story on the Today Show this morning that I'm referring too here....) hit bottom. Knowing that at any minute I too could hit bottom. I watch as my friends seek God out in their time of need and then I take a step back and wonder if I would be able to come up for air if placed in their position.

Right now, in my life the answer to that is a no. I'm stumbling in my walk with God. Wondering why it takes a major life crisis to stop and notice. I've been slacking on my devotionals only to open up today's to see the words "Make me your focal point." Why should I make God my focal point when I feel happy, when things are going well. I don't need God. I'll just continue on my merry way until BAM God knocks me down and says, "Don't think you need me? I'll show you."

Well I'm trying to stand up and take notice before the BAM comes. It will, it always does. It would behove (this is an awesome word) me to strengthen my relationship with God before it does but it's so easy to forget about the one who has given you everything when things are okay. Not until things turn to shit do we take notice.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except that it's on my mind and in my heart. I'm requiring daily reminders to make God my focal point and idol. To praise and thank Him on the God days, not just ask for help on the bad days. I'm working on my communication with others but perhaps if I worked first on my communication with God with rest would follow suit. Who knew learning to talk would be so hard.

A Jumbled Mess and Making Sense of it All

Hi my name is Rachel and I come from a dysfunctional family. You too? Great. Mom, don't freak out, this post is not going to be a repeat of family week.....


Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex. 


Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding.  I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help. 


I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it. 


Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God. 


In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....




I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

Don't Mollest the Armadillo

What do you get when you combine Texas + Easter + One snuggle bunny and a 20 hour road trip....a damn good time.

My sister lives in Texas. It's a state I don't think any of us every thought we'd live in but nonetheless there she is. My mom still lives home in Chicago and me and my labbies, well we are still here in the KC. We've missed each other. Or at least I've missed them. So for Easter this year we decided we'd rendezvous in the south land of Abilene Texas. My mom hoped a yet plane to KC, I picked her up and off we drove a fun-filled 10 hours to Texas, the wildflower state (just one of the many interesting things I learned from my mom during our road trip fun.)

My mom and I both hate road trips. We both get car sick. Combine it with two smelly labbies in the back and you have a recipe for disaster. Alas, it was blissful. It was pure, uninterrupted time with my mom, something I'll cherish for life. Well, uninterrupted until the sweet jingle of my mom's iPhone alerted us to her many new hot deals flooding her email. Hi my name is Rachel's mom and I'm addicted to groupon. 

Regardless we spent the weekend basking in the Texas sun and the love of each other. That's all I'm going to say about this. The rest will live on in my memories. Here are a few pics to satisfy your eye candy. 

yes, this is a giant armadillo. only in texas. 

love you lady. 

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

I forget who said that. I guess I'll take credit. But regardless of who said it, it's the truth. For the past week I've been fostering puppies from the shelter. It's like a halfway volunteering. I get to help and play with puppies but I don't actually have to go to the shelter. Ha, halfway volunteering. Let me tell you, it's like triple volunteering. They are A LOT of work. Waking up in the middle of the night, peeing on the floor. It's like having a baby. Or three. Plus two jealous older siblings (enter Scout and Euns).

I feel like this. I may have over committed, six would have been more manageable. 

But then they do something cute and I'm like, awwww this isn't so bad. 

Totally cute. Tomorrow they leave to find forever homes. I'll be sorry to see them go. 

Giving Thanks?

Life. I've been walking around mine in a fog. I've been on hiatus. From blogging. From thinking. From feeling. Even still I'm not sure what's happening in my head, just that the words are flowing from my fingers.

Some hurdles have presented themselves recently, unexpected yet not unsurprising. The kind that all of a sudden make everything really clear. If only I could stop floating long enough to bring things into focus.

I submerged my brain into a fantasy. A story so twisted and bizarre and yet I couldn't come up for air. Have you read The Hunger Games? If so then you know why I'm going through withdrawals after the third book ended....  But it had to end some time. The time to quit daydreaming about other's problems and face my own has come. And I still stare blankly.

I have this devotional that Cyndee gave me. In the beginning it offered wonderful help. A rock of sorts to cling to, something to trust. And now it's telling me to give thanks for my struggles. To thank God for these opportunities to trust in Him.

" Make friends with the problems in your life. Thank Me for them. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you."

I'm not sure I'm there yet. I'm looking for the silver lining. For the opportunity for growth and all I find is numbness. I went back to the animal shelter this week for the first time in over a month. I was able to spend a little over an hour there. Baby steps. No tears. 

It feels a little like drowning. Waiting for my breath of fresh air. Waiting for the moment at which I am able to give thanks and breathe. I won't give up.