To Be Continued....

I had an "episode" this morning. I went to interview at the animal shelter I've been volunteering at for a real job. A job that pays minimum wage but that would give me a purpose at the shelter. Most importantly it would keep me from wandering aimlessly down the rows of dogs with tears in my eyes feeling guilty about all the ones that want to go for a walk but that I can't take lest I spend 12+hours a day there. She wanted someone who can commit to two days a week starting next week.

I was speaking to God this morning, asking him for help. That he would show me the path he wishes for me to take, or at least take away my worry and need to know and allow me to trust completely in Him.

I had another horrible day at work yesterday. In fact, every day for the past two months has been horrible and I've dreaded going. It was chaotic and unorganized and I felt lost. I woke up this morning unsettled about the interview, knowing that my heart is probably not in a place to take on a second job when I feel myself screaming to get out of my current one.

It's disappointing to me that I feel this way suddenly about my job. I love the people I work with (for the most part), I love babies, I only have to work three days a week.... on paper it's the perfect job. But in my heart, for whatever reason, I want out. This morning was the first time I actually admitted that out loud to myself. I found myself looking for different full time jobs, jobs that wouldn't require me to be gone for 14 hours at a time. It's a trade off though, work more days to make the same money.

So in the interview I explained my passion for helping rescued animals, that it is my number one priority for my life. I explained to her my growing dissatisfaction with my current job and the transition and turmoil it has put me in. I knew in my heart that this is not the right moment to take on something like this without knowing what tomorrow will bring for me. I left with her knowing how very interested I am in this career and a promise to stay in contact as I figure out my plan. I barely made it out the door before I burst in to tears.

I sobbed all the way home. I think it's because I know it's something I want so badly. I know it's in my future and I know it is my future in one form or another. But I also know that the hole that's growing in my job is not going to go away but instead grow larger. I need to figure that one out first. It's not fair that I can't afford to do what my heart wants me to do. I need to be a nurse to pay my mortgage.

I'm focusing now on trusting God and allowing him to show me the right path. The path that will allow my career as a nurse to intertwine with my passion for dogs. To be continued.