Internal Conflict Continues

I apologize in advance... This is going to be another heavy post. Today I ran across an article about a woman in KC who formed a non profit last year that goes around rescuing abused and neglected animals. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!!! In college I created basically the same nonprofit, only it stayed in my head and has yet to become reality.

I'm so conflicted. Animals have been a huge passion of mine for years. So why haven't I done anything to make my dream a reality? Is it really my dream? I love my life. My relaxed weekends, sleeping in, mowing my lawn, watching ABC family Harry Potter movie marathons....

I'd be giving up my life the way I know it. Rescuing animals is a full time business. Am I willing to give up my current way of life? Do I have to give up my current life? Am I really that happy in my current life? Can I give up nursing to rescue puppies? The answer to that is a resounding no, nursing is my only income and rescuing animals is a serious money suck. It all sounds unbelievably selfish of me.

There are moments in my day where I think it would be wonderful to move to the country, get the chickens I've always wanted, a baby cow that I can bottle feed and just have a huge dog sanctuary for all the dogs I've saved. These thoughts are fleeting but always recurring.

My life definitely has a giant hole in it right now. A void that has been looming and I'm not sure what to fill it with. Maybe this is the answer? Maybe I should give up my dreams of travel, of lazy afternoons and do something with my life that actually matters. I know I'm already a nurse, and saving lives definitely matters. But I'm still looking for more.

Am I strong enough to handle the abuse I would find? I can't even handle a little baby bunny in pain. Maybe I should just get over myself and get out there. I'm exhausted and sad and confused thinking about it.

And I'm back to the guilt. Guilt I feel because my dogs are staring at me with their big brown eyes wondering what the heck I'm doing right now that could possibly be more important that taking them for a walk. Guilt for blogging, guilt for sleeping in, guilt for abc family movie marathons when we should be outside taking advantage of the beautiful day. When we should be outside saving lives.

On this day that was supposed to be the end of all days, I'm looking for a sign from God.