We do a lot of waiting in life. Waiting for others, waiting to get somewhere and waiting more when we get there. Today I've been waiting in the surgical waiting room for my dad who is having surgery today. It's a bizarre place in life when you find yourself waiting for your parents. Up until now they've always waited on me. It's like I've officially become an adult. It's slightly unsettling and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a part of growing up I guess.
Waiting is a bizarre concept filled with silence and fatigue and strange people in the waiting room who are also waiting, and at the moment eating fried chicken that smells amazing. Nothing to do but wait. Wait for news, good or bad. Wait. Thanking God for these quiet moments with nothing to do but think about my life and where it's going. Nothing like being forced to sit and think. Nowhere to go, nothing but people watching and fried chicken to distract you from your thoughts.
Right now I feel anxiety, anger, longing, love, fatigue and guilt. What are feelings really? Things that we project upon ourselves for no reason really. I'm the only one making me feel guilt, anxiety. Others make me feel angry but should I let them? Probably not. I should probably take this opportunity to thank God for these opportunities to trust him more, be content in this moment and stop worrying about what is going to happen next and when. Living in the moment people. Right here and now with the fried chicken.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Preparing for the BAM
I've been people watching. Watching people in my life and people not in my life (there was a particular sob story on the Today Show this morning that I'm referring too here....) hit bottom. Knowing that at any minute I too could hit bottom. I watch as my friends seek God out in their time of need and then I take a step back and wonder if I would be able to come up for air if placed in their position.
Right now, in my life the answer to that is a no. I'm stumbling in my walk with God. Wondering why it takes a major life crisis to stop and notice. I've been slacking on my devotionals only to open up today's to see the words "Make me your focal point." Why should I make God my focal point when I feel happy, when things are going well. I don't need God. I'll just continue on my merry way until BAM God knocks me down and says, "Don't think you need me? I'll show you."
Well I'm trying to stand up and take notice before the BAM comes. It will, it always does. It would behove (this is an awesome word) me to strengthen my relationship with God before it does but it's so easy to forget about the one who has given you everything when things are okay. Not until things turn to shit do we take notice.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except that it's on my mind and in my heart. I'm requiring daily reminders to make God my focal point and idol. To praise and thank Him on the God days, not just ask for help on the bad days. I'm working on my communication with others but perhaps if I worked first on my communication with God with rest would follow suit. Who knew learning to talk would be so hard.
Right now, in my life the answer to that is a no. I'm stumbling in my walk with God. Wondering why it takes a major life crisis to stop and notice. I've been slacking on my devotionals only to open up today's to see the words "Make me your focal point." Why should I make God my focal point when I feel happy, when things are going well. I don't need God. I'll just continue on my merry way until BAM God knocks me down and says, "Don't think you need me? I'll show you."
Well I'm trying to stand up and take notice before the BAM comes. It will, it always does. It would behove (this is an awesome word) me to strengthen my relationship with God before it does but it's so easy to forget about the one who has given you everything when things are okay. Not until things turn to shit do we take notice.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except that it's on my mind and in my heart. I'm requiring daily reminders to make God my focal point and idol. To praise and thank Him on the God days, not just ask for help on the bad days. I'm working on my communication with others but perhaps if I worked first on my communication with God with rest would follow suit. Who knew learning to talk would be so hard.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
A Jumbled Mess and Making Sense of it All
Hi my name is Rachel and I come from a dysfunctional family. You too? Great. Mom, don't freak out, this post is not going to be a repeat of family week.....
Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex.
Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding. I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help.
I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it.
Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God.
In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex.
Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding. I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help.
I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it.
Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God.
In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Don't Mollest the Armadillo
What do you get when you combine Texas + Easter + One snuggle bunny and a 20 hour road trip....a damn good time.
My sister lives in Texas. It's a state I don't think any of us every thought we'd live in but nonetheless there she is. My mom still lives home in Chicago and me and my labbies, well we are still here in the KC. We've missed each other. Or at least I've missed them. So for Easter this year we decided we'd rendezvous in the south land of Abilene Texas. My mom hoped a yet plane to KC, I picked her up and off we drove a fun-filled 10 hours to Texas, the wildflower state (just one of the many interesting things I learned from my mom during our road trip fun.)
My mom and I both hate road trips. We both get car sick. Combine it with two smelly labbies in the back and you have a recipe for disaster. Alas, it was blissful. It was pure, uninterrupted time with my mom, something I'll cherish for life. Well, uninterrupted until the sweet jingle of my mom's iPhone alerted us to her many new hot deals flooding her email. Hi my name is Rachel's mom and I'm addicted to groupon.
Regardless we spent the weekend basking in the Texas sun and the love of each other. That's all I'm going to say about this. The rest will live on in my memories. Here are a few pics to satisfy your eye candy.
yes, this is a giant armadillo. only in texas.
love you lady.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)