Love, Life and Loss

This is where I am today:

On Wednesday night, my grandmother passed away. It was expected, but unexpected as many deaths are. We knew it was coming ( see Big Sky Country ). She lived in Montana and had struggled with Alzheimer's for the past six years. There are not words to describe the effects of this disease on the mind, body and family. In the end, it was a blessing for her to go and meet the Lord. That night I prayed harder than I have in a long long time, that He would open His arms to her and heal her mind and body. 

I was lucky to have seen her in August for the last time. While I knew it would probably be the last time, it's hard in that moment to grasp the finality of it. It's hard to know now what to do. What to say to my mom as I hear her sadness over the phone. Longing to be with my family. 

That was Wednesday and on Thursday I was forced to put on my happy party smile to face the other half of my family for a different kind of event. A wedding. I'm not going to lie, it was not easy. I broke down in sobs on multiple occasions. Feeling alone despite being surrounded by my family. 

But despite my torn emotions, the wedding went off without a hitch. The bride was beautiful. 

This is the Groom, not the Bride. 

My adorable cousins, flower girl and ring boy.

Here she comes.

I failed msierably to curl my own hair, tears streaming down my face the whole time wishing my mom had been there to help me. 

The cake was delicious. 

And then, just like that, it was over. 

I went to bed at 7:00 last night. Emotionally and physically exhausted from the emotions of the weekend. Mostly recovered today I dread facing the rest of this week. Filled with work and cold weather. It felt like Thanksgiving today. Inside and outside. Soon it will be and soon I will be with my family. 

So this is where I am. Unsure whether to smile or cry. So for now I'll just be. Snuggled under my stack of blankets and surrounded by black lab love. Hallelujah.