I feel like this. I may have over committed, six would have been more manageable.
But then they do something cute and I'm like, awwww this isn't so bad.
Totally cute. Tomorrow they leave to find forever homes. I'll be sorry to see them go.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Happiness is a Warm Puppy
I forget who said that. I guess I'll take credit. But regardless of who said it, it's the truth. For the past week I've been fostering puppies from the shelter. It's like a halfway volunteering. I get to help and play with puppies but I don't actually have to go to the shelter. Ha, halfway volunteering. Let me tell you, it's like triple volunteering. They are A LOT of work. Waking up in the middle of the night, peeing on the floor. It's like having a baby. Or three. Plus two jealous older siblings (enter Scout and Euns).
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Giving Thanks?
Life. I've been walking around mine in a fog. I've been on hiatus. From blogging. From thinking. From feeling. Even still I'm not sure what's happening in my head, just that the words are flowing from my fingers.
Some hurdles have presented themselves recently, unexpected yet not unsurprising. The kind that all of a sudden make everything really clear. If only I could stop floating long enough to bring things into focus.
I submerged my brain into a fantasy. A story so twisted and bizarre and yet I couldn't come up for air. Have you read The Hunger Games? If so then you know why I'm going through withdrawals after the third book ended.... But it had to end some time. The time to quit daydreaming about other's problems and face my own has come. And I still stare blankly.
I have this devotional that Cyndee gave me. In the beginning it offered wonderful help. A rock of sorts to cling to, something to trust. And now it's telling me to give thanks for my struggles. To thank God for these opportunities to trust in Him.
Some hurdles have presented themselves recently, unexpected yet not unsurprising. The kind that all of a sudden make everything really clear. If only I could stop floating long enough to bring things into focus.
I submerged my brain into a fantasy. A story so twisted and bizarre and yet I couldn't come up for air. Have you read The Hunger Games? If so then you know why I'm going through withdrawals after the third book ended.... But it had to end some time. The time to quit daydreaming about other's problems and face my own has come. And I still stare blankly.
I have this devotional that Cyndee gave me. In the beginning it offered wonderful help. A rock of sorts to cling to, something to trust. And now it's telling me to give thanks for my struggles. To thank God for these opportunities to trust in Him.
" Make friends with the problems in your life. Thank Me for them. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you."
I'm not sure I'm there yet. I'm looking for the silver lining. For the opportunity for growth and all I find is numbness. I went back to the animal shelter this week for the first time in over a month. I was able to spend a little over an hour there. Baby steps. No tears.
It feels a little like drowning. Waiting for my breath of fresh air. Waiting for the moment at which I am able to give thanks and breathe. I won't give up.
Monday, February 20, 2012
A Late Valentine
A few days late my valentine arrived in the form of my mommy. Yes, I still call her mommy. She warms my heart. She brought the sun and took it with her when she left yesterday.
We had a great weekend, watched a movie (The Decedents, warning: a little bit of a downer) got pedicures, walked the dogs, and welcomed her to the 21st century. Yes, my mom got an iPhone! She even has a newer version than I do!
I was excited to help her with this and very impressed at how fast she picked it up. She has now realized that no, her fingers are not to fat to hit the right letter on the touch keypad, she can do this.
It wasn't without a little drama though. I had to remind her in a rather embarrassing display at the Apple store that she is worthy of the gifts that are given to her and that she should accept them with open arms and heart. She's just my mom and she wants to protect me, she wants to be the giver. Mom, when someone gives you a gift it's because they love you and you deserve it. I can't wait to see all the great photos you take with that awesome iPhone camera!
On the home front things have settled down. I'm trusting in God and following his plan like the little lamb that I am. I have no idea what the plan is but I take faith in the fact that my Shepard is not blind. We are taking one day at a time.
In the meantime it's February and raining. We had our first snow of the year last week and my little tulips are poking their heads out. Silly tulips, it's not time yet. I can't wait to see your smiling happy flowers in a few weeks.
We had a great weekend, watched a movie (The Decedents, warning: a little bit of a downer) got pedicures, walked the dogs, and welcomed her to the 21st century. Yes, my mom got an iPhone! She even has a newer version than I do!
I was excited to help her with this and very impressed at how fast she picked it up. She has now realized that no, her fingers are not to fat to hit the right letter on the touch keypad, she can do this.
It wasn't without a little drama though. I had to remind her in a rather embarrassing display at the Apple store that she is worthy of the gifts that are given to her and that she should accept them with open arms and heart. She's just my mom and she wants to protect me, she wants to be the giver. Mom, when someone gives you a gift it's because they love you and you deserve it. I can't wait to see all the great photos you take with that awesome iPhone camera!
On the home front things have settled down. I'm trusting in God and following his plan like the little lamb that I am. I have no idea what the plan is but I take faith in the fact that my Shepard is not blind. We are taking one day at a time.
In the meantime it's February and raining. We had our first snow of the year last week and my little tulips are poking their heads out. Silly tulips, it's not time yet. I can't wait to see your smiling happy flowers in a few weeks.
Monday, February 6, 2012
On My Knees
I have said in the past that I frequently find myself to be a "beacon" to homeless animals. They seek me out, find me as if they know I drive around with a box of treats in the back of my car (ps everyone should have a dog catching kit in their car that includes a slip leash and box of treats). Well I find myself more and more becoming a beacon for fellow dog rescuers. I've received several emergency texts or calls from friends and family in need of advice with what to do with the stray dog that is now in the back of their car.
The advice I usually give is to call the local animal control. In the county I live in this is the best solution as all dogs that get picked up by the professional dog catchers get taken to a no kill shelter where they can stay forever whilst awaiting their forever home.
When I get calls from people out of state like the one I got this afternoon from my sister who lives in rural Texas, I'm not sure I am able to give the best advice. People live differently in rural areas and they treat their animals differently. It's "acceptable" to allow dogs to roam neighborhoods freely without identification and without spaying or neutering. Why they think this is okay is beyond me. Regrettably with the different lifestyles come different attitudes of law enforcement. People look at you strangely when you say you picked up a stray dog, like "well why didn't you just leave it alone, it would have found it's way home." Maybe that's true, but maybe it would have gotten hit by a car on the VERY BUSY ROAD THAT YOU WERE LETTING IT RUN UP AND DOWN! Come on people.
So when I told my frantic sister to take this dog to the local animal control she learned the hard way the reality that is our country's way of dealing with stray pets. She was told that if the dog wasn't picked up or adopted within a week, it would be euthanized.
We both know that this is happening at shelters and pounds across the country on a scale larger than I can stomach to think about. But when it's staring you in the face with a wagging tail it hits closer to home. I can't help but sob with her as I think about the probably hundred other dogs in that shelter she didn't see that don't stand a chance. WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE OKAY WITH THIS?
Why is it acceptable for people to look the other way and pretend it's not happening? Why doesn't anyone else break into sobs during this super bowl commercial watching "Rusty" and "Mr. Sprinkles" come home. It's a Toyota for goodness sake.
But the biggest question on my heart tonight is WHY GOD DID YOU MAKE ME CARE SO MUCH?? I am literally on my knees sobbing, asking WHY??!! And what do You want me to do? PLEASE GOD, stop the tears and show me what it is I am supposed to be doing. I am on my knees, begging for Your guidance, Your plan and Your help. You've made your point, I'm horrified. Help me fix it.
The advice I usually give is to call the local animal control. In the county I live in this is the best solution as all dogs that get picked up by the professional dog catchers get taken to a no kill shelter where they can stay forever whilst awaiting their forever home.
When I get calls from people out of state like the one I got this afternoon from my sister who lives in rural Texas, I'm not sure I am able to give the best advice. People live differently in rural areas and they treat their animals differently. It's "acceptable" to allow dogs to roam neighborhoods freely without identification and without spaying or neutering. Why they think this is okay is beyond me. Regrettably with the different lifestyles come different attitudes of law enforcement. People look at you strangely when you say you picked up a stray dog, like "well why didn't you just leave it alone, it would have found it's way home." Maybe that's true, but maybe it would have gotten hit by a car on the VERY BUSY ROAD THAT YOU WERE LETTING IT RUN UP AND DOWN! Come on people.
So when I told my frantic sister to take this dog to the local animal control she learned the hard way the reality that is our country's way of dealing with stray pets. She was told that if the dog wasn't picked up or adopted within a week, it would be euthanized.
We both know that this is happening at shelters and pounds across the country on a scale larger than I can stomach to think about. But when it's staring you in the face with a wagging tail it hits closer to home. I can't help but sob with her as I think about the probably hundred other dogs in that shelter she didn't see that don't stand a chance. WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE OKAY WITH THIS?
Why is it acceptable for people to look the other way and pretend it's not happening? Why doesn't anyone else break into sobs during this super bowl commercial watching "Rusty" and "Mr. Sprinkles" come home. It's a Toyota for goodness sake.
But the biggest question on my heart tonight is WHY GOD DID YOU MAKE ME CARE SO MUCH?? I am literally on my knees sobbing, asking WHY??!! And what do You want me to do? PLEASE GOD, stop the tears and show me what it is I am supposed to be doing. I am on my knees, begging for Your guidance, Your plan and Your help. You've made your point, I'm horrified. Help me fix it.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
To Be Continued....
I had an "episode" this morning. I went to interview at the animal shelter I've been volunteering at for a real job. A job that pays minimum wage but that would give me a purpose at the shelter. Most importantly it would keep me from wandering aimlessly down the rows of dogs with tears in my eyes feeling guilty about all the ones that want to go for a walk but that I can't take lest I spend 12+hours a day there. She wanted someone who can commit to two days a week starting next week.
I was speaking to God this morning, asking him for help. That he would show me the path he wishes for me to take, or at least take away my worry and need to know and allow me to trust completely in Him.
I had another horrible day at work yesterday. In fact, every day for the past two months has been horrible and I've dreaded going. It was chaotic and unorganized and I felt lost. I woke up this morning unsettled about the interview, knowing that my heart is probably not in a place to take on a second job when I feel myself screaming to get out of my current one.
It's disappointing to me that I feel this way suddenly about my job. I love the people I work with (for the most part), I love babies, I only have to work three days a week.... on paper it's the perfect job. But in my heart, for whatever reason, I want out. This morning was the first time I actually admitted that out loud to myself. I found myself looking for different full time jobs, jobs that wouldn't require me to be gone for 14 hours at a time. It's a trade off though, work more days to make the same money.
So in the interview I explained my passion for helping rescued animals, that it is my number one priority for my life. I explained to her my growing dissatisfaction with my current job and the transition and turmoil it has put me in. I knew in my heart that this is not the right moment to take on something like this without knowing what tomorrow will bring for me. I left with her knowing how very interested I am in this career and a promise to stay in contact as I figure out my plan. I barely made it out the door before I burst in to tears.
I sobbed all the way home. I think it's because I know it's something I want so badly. I know it's in my future and I know it is my future in one form or another. But I also know that the hole that's growing in my job is not going to go away but instead grow larger. I need to figure that one out first. It's not fair that I can't afford to do what my heart wants me to do. I need to be a nurse to pay my mortgage.
I'm focusing now on trusting God and allowing him to show me the right path. The path that will allow my career as a nurse to intertwine with my passion for dogs. To be continued.
I was speaking to God this morning, asking him for help. That he would show me the path he wishes for me to take, or at least take away my worry and need to know and allow me to trust completely in Him.
I had another horrible day at work yesterday. In fact, every day for the past two months has been horrible and I've dreaded going. It was chaotic and unorganized and I felt lost. I woke up this morning unsettled about the interview, knowing that my heart is probably not in a place to take on a second job when I feel myself screaming to get out of my current one.
It's disappointing to me that I feel this way suddenly about my job. I love the people I work with (for the most part), I love babies, I only have to work three days a week.... on paper it's the perfect job. But in my heart, for whatever reason, I want out. This morning was the first time I actually admitted that out loud to myself. I found myself looking for different full time jobs, jobs that wouldn't require me to be gone for 14 hours at a time. It's a trade off though, work more days to make the same money.
So in the interview I explained my passion for helping rescued animals, that it is my number one priority for my life. I explained to her my growing dissatisfaction with my current job and the transition and turmoil it has put me in. I knew in my heart that this is not the right moment to take on something like this without knowing what tomorrow will bring for me. I left with her knowing how very interested I am in this career and a promise to stay in contact as I figure out my plan. I barely made it out the door before I burst in to tears.
I sobbed all the way home. I think it's because I know it's something I want so badly. I know it's in my future and I know it is my future in one form or another. But I also know that the hole that's growing in my job is not going to go away but instead grow larger. I need to figure that one out first. It's not fair that I can't afford to do what my heart wants me to do. I need to be a nurse to pay my mortgage.
I'm focusing now on trusting God and allowing him to show me the right path. The path that will allow my career as a nurse to intertwine with my passion for dogs. To be continued.
Friday, January 20, 2012
A Lesson from the Four Legged
So yesterday at work was maybe my least favorite day of my adult life ever. There was a series of poor communication followed by me getting my ass chewed for something that wasn't even a little bit my fault.
Why do physicians think that they can treat nurses like crap? Just because we have different initials after our names and didn't spend out entire lives in school they think they have permission to walk all over us. Well I've got news for you certain jerk of a man who shall go unnamed (you know who you are), we are all in this for the same reason, the PATIENT, so get over yourself and start acting like a man not a penis.
Okay, now I feel better. Don't worry, I got my revenge via the PSN...mwahhhhhaa.
So thankfully following that I have three days off which seems like a much needed vacation. Alas, all I've been able to think about is the incident. So in an effort to get it off my mind I went to visit the doggies at the shelter.
As I was throwing a tennis ball for an adorable black labbie I had a revelation. Why can't we talk a lesson from the dogs? Imagine if everyone at work smiled from ear to ear and wagged their tail (not sure what the human equivalent of this is..) when you showed up. Imagine if they wanted nothing more to serve you and make you happy and you for them. What a world that would be. I'm just saying, it's worth looking into.
It definitely made me think though, why would I volunteer to go to work and get treated like crap? Granted this is not an every day occurrence. I would have been long gone if it were. And I love the nurses I work with, they are my family. I just think I'd rather surround myself with tail wagging happy eyed dogs who want nothing more from me then a pat on the butt and to be allowed to lick my face.
Why do physicians think that they can treat nurses like crap? Just because we have different initials after our names and didn't spend out entire lives in school they think they have permission to walk all over us. Well I've got news for you certain jerk of a man who shall go unnamed (you know who you are), we are all in this for the same reason, the PATIENT, so get over yourself and start acting like a man not a penis.
Okay, now I feel better. Don't worry, I got my revenge via the PSN...mwahhhhhaa.
So thankfully following that I have three days off which seems like a much needed vacation. Alas, all I've been able to think about is the incident. So in an effort to get it off my mind I went to visit the doggies at the shelter.
As I was throwing a tennis ball for an adorable black labbie I had a revelation. Why can't we talk a lesson from the dogs? Imagine if everyone at work smiled from ear to ear and wagged their tail (not sure what the human equivalent of this is..) when you showed up. Imagine if they wanted nothing more to serve you and make you happy and you for them. What a world that would be. I'm just saying, it's worth looking into.
It definitely made me think though, why would I volunteer to go to work and get treated like crap? Granted this is not an every day occurrence. I would have been long gone if it were. And I love the nurses I work with, they are my family. I just think I'd rather surround myself with tail wagging happy eyed dogs who want nothing more from me then a pat on the butt and to be allowed to lick my face.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
No, this post is not about dating. I'm done thinking about that remember? I've got bigger fish to fry anyways.
If you're new to my blog or to my life, let me catch you up. I'm having a quarter life crisis. From the outside, all appears wonderful and blissful. I have a family that loves me, a great job where I get to take care of sick little babies all day, I own my own house, I have two great dogs...what more could I want right?
Well all of that is just fucking dandy. Yes, I swore. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY grateful for all of my fortunes and I know I have everyone except myself to thank for them, mainly my parents and God.
But the truth is, I'm screaming inside for someone to tell me what to do. In my last post I talked about how I've been struggling with volunteering. I've always been very passionate about rescue dogs. In college I wrote a business plan for my own dog rescue, "Changed for Good," named after the song from Wicked. Wicked is an inspiration for all things in my life but especially my passion for animals, because, I'm the one that has been changed for good by my two rescue pups. But for a lack of money and know how I became a nurse by profession and recently started volunteering again at a local shelter to try and fill that void.
Instead, the void has become a deep pit and I find myself in tears every time I leave the shelter. My sister thinks that I need to keep going, that it is "stirring something up inside of me, and that's a good thing." And part of me wants to just kick myself and force myself up from my fetal position and get on with it. Life sucks, mine doesn't, so quit crying and get a move on helping those in need.
Part of my problem is my growing dissatisfaction with my job. The 12 hour + days are kicking my ass. My motivation is waning (is that a real word?) and my lack of a desire to continue my education in this field is concerning. I love the babies and their families but it's not enough for my heart right now.
So back to the root of my problem, the little voice inside my head that is screaming for me to figure out what my purpose is, what path to take. Right now I can't even find the path, I'm a blind man crawling in the forest grasping for anything that resembles a path to jump on.
I've recently started eating healthy and "natural." I have a real interest in having a garden this summer and as I was researching "how to grow an organic vegetable garden" on the interweb I stumbled across this amazing blog Farm Girl Fare.
This amazing middle aged woman up and moved from California to middle of nowhere Missouri and became a farmer. Now, I have no intention of moving to middle of nowhere anywhere but at the same time I'm jealous of her. I want a huge garden and chickens and donkeys and a dog sanctuary.
When I told this to my mom, she asked me where this woman got all her money. Humph. Money, the ever lasting problem. And now they've increased the cost of the powerball tickets making it less likely for me to play and win.
How can I live organically, somewhere beautiful where I don't have to hear the beer bottles of my neighbor clinking outside my window, where my kids can pick fresh vegetables from my garden and learn that chickens are pets, not food (for some reason I can't consciously explain, I've been picking the chicken out of my food lately) and yet not be isolated and still have community and be close enough to go see Wicked and go to the dog beach and drop my kids off at grandma's house and go out to a nice restaurant.
If you know where this place exists, please let me know. I want a rural urban life. And I want to save animals and rescue homeless and abandoned dogs. I have no money, but all the heart.
I've been applying for second jobs to increase my bank account so that someday I might be able to do something about my unsettled-ness. Some of them are nursing related and some are not. I have no idea what I want to do, it's in God's hands. All I know is I do not want to watch Eunice's face in the window anymore as I pull out of my driveway in the morning, not to return for 13 hours.
If you're new to my blog or to my life, let me catch you up. I'm having a quarter life crisis. From the outside, all appears wonderful and blissful. I have a family that loves me, a great job where I get to take care of sick little babies all day, I own my own house, I have two great dogs...what more could I want right?
Well all of that is just fucking dandy. Yes, I swore. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY grateful for all of my fortunes and I know I have everyone except myself to thank for them, mainly my parents and God.
But the truth is, I'm screaming inside for someone to tell me what to do. In my last post I talked about how I've been struggling with volunteering. I've always been very passionate about rescue dogs. In college I wrote a business plan for my own dog rescue, "Changed for Good," named after the song from Wicked. Wicked is an inspiration for all things in my life but especially my passion for animals, because, I'm the one that has been changed for good by my two rescue pups. But for a lack of money and know how I became a nurse by profession and recently started volunteering again at a local shelter to try and fill that void.
Instead, the void has become a deep pit and I find myself in tears every time I leave the shelter. My sister thinks that I need to keep going, that it is "stirring something up inside of me, and that's a good thing." And part of me wants to just kick myself and force myself up from my fetal position and get on with it. Life sucks, mine doesn't, so quit crying and get a move on helping those in need.
Part of my problem is my growing dissatisfaction with my job. The 12 hour + days are kicking my ass. My motivation is waning (is that a real word?) and my lack of a desire to continue my education in this field is concerning. I love the babies and their families but it's not enough for my heart right now.
So back to the root of my problem, the little voice inside my head that is screaming for me to figure out what my purpose is, what path to take. Right now I can't even find the path, I'm a blind man crawling in the forest grasping for anything that resembles a path to jump on.
I've recently started eating healthy and "natural." I have a real interest in having a garden this summer and as I was researching "how to grow an organic vegetable garden" on the interweb I stumbled across this amazing blog Farm Girl Fare.
This amazing middle aged woman up and moved from California to middle of nowhere Missouri and became a farmer. Now, I have no intention of moving to middle of nowhere anywhere but at the same time I'm jealous of her. I want a huge garden and chickens and donkeys and a dog sanctuary.
When I told this to my mom, she asked me where this woman got all her money. Humph. Money, the ever lasting problem. And now they've increased the cost of the powerball tickets making it less likely for me to play and win.
How can I live organically, somewhere beautiful where I don't have to hear the beer bottles of my neighbor clinking outside my window, where my kids can pick fresh vegetables from my garden and learn that chickens are pets, not food (for some reason I can't consciously explain, I've been picking the chicken out of my food lately) and yet not be isolated and still have community and be close enough to go see Wicked and go to the dog beach and drop my kids off at grandma's house and go out to a nice restaurant.
If you know where this place exists, please let me know. I want a rural urban life. And I want to save animals and rescue homeless and abandoned dogs. I have no money, but all the heart.
I've been applying for second jobs to increase my bank account so that someday I might be able to do something about my unsettled-ness. Some of them are nursing related and some are not. I have no idea what I want to do, it's in God's hands. All I know is I do not want to watch Eunice's face in the window anymore as I pull out of my driveway in the morning, not to return for 13 hours.
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