A Jumbled Mess and Making Sense of it All

Hi my name is Rachel and I come from a dysfunctional family. You too? Great. Mom, don't freak out, this post is not going to be a repeat of family week.....


Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex. 


Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding.  I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help. 


I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it. 


Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God. 


In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....




I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

Don't Mollest the Armadillo

What do you get when you combine Texas + Easter + One snuggle bunny and a 20 hour road trip....a damn good time.

My sister lives in Texas. It's a state I don't think any of us every thought we'd live in but nonetheless there she is. My mom still lives home in Chicago and me and my labbies, well we are still here in the KC. We've missed each other. Or at least I've missed them. So for Easter this year we decided we'd rendezvous in the south land of Abilene Texas. My mom hoped a yet plane to KC, I picked her up and off we drove a fun-filled 10 hours to Texas, the wildflower state (just one of the many interesting things I learned from my mom during our road trip fun.)

My mom and I both hate road trips. We both get car sick. Combine it with two smelly labbies in the back and you have a recipe for disaster. Alas, it was blissful. It was pure, uninterrupted time with my mom, something I'll cherish for life. Well, uninterrupted until the sweet jingle of my mom's iPhone alerted us to her many new hot deals flooding her email. Hi my name is Rachel's mom and I'm addicted to groupon. 

Regardless we spent the weekend basking in the Texas sun and the love of each other. That's all I'm going to say about this. The rest will live on in my memories. Here are a few pics to satisfy your eye candy. 

yes, this is a giant armadillo. only in texas. 

love you lady. 

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

I forget who said that. I guess I'll take credit. But regardless of who said it, it's the truth. For the past week I've been fostering puppies from the shelter. It's like a halfway volunteering. I get to help and play with puppies but I don't actually have to go to the shelter. Ha, halfway volunteering. Let me tell you, it's like triple volunteering. They are A LOT of work. Waking up in the middle of the night, peeing on the floor. It's like having a baby. Or three. Plus two jealous older siblings (enter Scout and Euns).

I feel like this. I may have over committed, six would have been more manageable. 

But then they do something cute and I'm like, awwww this isn't so bad. 

Totally cute. Tomorrow they leave to find forever homes. I'll be sorry to see them go. 

Giving Thanks?

Life. I've been walking around mine in a fog. I've been on hiatus. From blogging. From thinking. From feeling. Even still I'm not sure what's happening in my head, just that the words are flowing from my fingers.

Some hurdles have presented themselves recently, unexpected yet not unsurprising. The kind that all of a sudden make everything really clear. If only I could stop floating long enough to bring things into focus.

I submerged my brain into a fantasy. A story so twisted and bizarre and yet I couldn't come up for air. Have you read The Hunger Games? If so then you know why I'm going through withdrawals after the third book ended....  But it had to end some time. The time to quit daydreaming about other's problems and face my own has come. And I still stare blankly.

I have this devotional that Cyndee gave me. In the beginning it offered wonderful help. A rock of sorts to cling to, something to trust. And now it's telling me to give thanks for my struggles. To thank God for these opportunities to trust in Him.

" Make friends with the problems in your life. Thank Me for them. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you."

I'm not sure I'm there yet. I'm looking for the silver lining. For the opportunity for growth and all I find is numbness. I went back to the animal shelter this week for the first time in over a month. I was able to spend a little over an hour there. Baby steps. No tears. 

It feels a little like drowning. Waiting for my breath of fresh air. Waiting for the moment at which I am able to give thanks and breathe. I won't give up. 

A Late Valentine

A few days late my valentine arrived in the form of my mommy. Yes, I still call her mommy. She warms my heart. She brought the sun and took it with her when she left yesterday.

We had a great weekend, watched a movie (The Decedents, warning: a little bit of a downer) got pedicures, walked the dogs, and welcomed her to the 21st century. Yes, my mom got an iPhone! She even has a newer version than I do!

I was excited to help her with this and very impressed at how fast she picked it up. She has now realized that no, her fingers are not to fat to hit the right letter on the touch keypad, she can do this.

It wasn't without a little drama though. I had to remind her in a rather embarrassing display at the Apple store that she is worthy of the gifts that are given to her and that she should accept them with open arms and heart. She's just my mom and she wants to protect me, she wants to be the giver. Mom, when someone gives you a gift it's because they love you and you deserve it. I can't wait to see all the great photos you take with that awesome iPhone camera!

On the home front things have settled down. I'm trusting in God and following his plan like the little lamb that I am. I have no idea what the plan is but I take faith in the fact that my Shepard is not blind. We are taking one day at a time.

In the meantime it's February and raining. We had our first snow of the year last week and my little tulips are poking their heads out. Silly tulips, it's not time yet. I can't wait to see your smiling happy flowers in a few weeks.

On My Knees

I have said in the past that I frequently find myself to be a "beacon" to homeless animals. They seek me out, find me as if they know I drive around with a box of treats in the back of my car (ps everyone should have a dog catching kit in their car that includes a slip leash and box of treats).  Well I find myself more and more becoming a beacon for fellow dog rescuers. I've received several emergency texts or calls from friends and family in need of advice with what to do with the stray dog that is now in the back of their car.

The advice I usually give is to call the local animal control. In the county I live in this is the best solution as all dogs that get picked up by the professional dog catchers get taken to a no kill shelter where they can stay forever whilst awaiting their forever home.

When I get calls from people out of state like the one I got this afternoon from my sister who lives in rural Texas, I'm not sure I am able to give the best advice. People live differently in rural areas and they treat their animals differently. It's "acceptable" to allow dogs to roam neighborhoods freely without identification and without spaying or neutering. Why they think this is okay is beyond me. Regrettably with the different lifestyles come different attitudes of law enforcement. People look at you strangely when you say you picked up a stray dog, like "well why didn't you just leave it alone, it would have found it's way home." Maybe that's true, but maybe it would have gotten hit by a car on the VERY BUSY ROAD THAT YOU WERE LETTING IT RUN UP AND DOWN! Come on people.

So when I told my frantic sister to take this dog to the local animal control she learned the hard way the reality that is our country's way of dealing with stray pets. She was told that if the dog wasn't picked up or adopted within a week, it would be euthanized.

We both know that this is happening at shelters and pounds across the country on a scale larger than I can stomach to think about. But when it's staring you in the face with a wagging tail it hits closer to home. I can't help but sob with her as I think about the probably hundred other dogs in that shelter she didn't see that don't stand a chance. WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE OKAY WITH THIS?

Why is it acceptable for people to look the other way and pretend it's not happening? Why doesn't anyone else break into sobs during this super bowl commercial watching "Rusty" and "Mr. Sprinkles" come home. It's a Toyota for goodness sake.

But the biggest question on my heart tonight is WHY GOD DID YOU MAKE ME CARE SO MUCH?? I am literally on my knees sobbing, asking WHY??!! And what do You want me to do? PLEASE GOD, stop the tears and show me what it is I am supposed to be doing. I am on my knees, begging for Your guidance, Your plan and Your help. You've made your point, I'm horrified. Help me fix it.

To Be Continued....

I had an "episode" this morning. I went to interview at the animal shelter I've been volunteering at for a real job. A job that pays minimum wage but that would give me a purpose at the shelter. Most importantly it would keep me from wandering aimlessly down the rows of dogs with tears in my eyes feeling guilty about all the ones that want to go for a walk but that I can't take lest I spend 12+hours a day there. She wanted someone who can commit to two days a week starting next week.

I was speaking to God this morning, asking him for help. That he would show me the path he wishes for me to take, or at least take away my worry and need to know and allow me to trust completely in Him.

I had another horrible day at work yesterday. In fact, every day for the past two months has been horrible and I've dreaded going. It was chaotic and unorganized and I felt lost. I woke up this morning unsettled about the interview, knowing that my heart is probably not in a place to take on a second job when I feel myself screaming to get out of my current one.

It's disappointing to me that I feel this way suddenly about my job. I love the people I work with (for the most part), I love babies, I only have to work three days a week.... on paper it's the perfect job. But in my heart, for whatever reason, I want out. This morning was the first time I actually admitted that out loud to myself. I found myself looking for different full time jobs, jobs that wouldn't require me to be gone for 14 hours at a time. It's a trade off though, work more days to make the same money.

So in the interview I explained my passion for helping rescued animals, that it is my number one priority for my life. I explained to her my growing dissatisfaction with my current job and the transition and turmoil it has put me in. I knew in my heart that this is not the right moment to take on something like this without knowing what tomorrow will bring for me. I left with her knowing how very interested I am in this career and a promise to stay in contact as I figure out my plan. I barely made it out the door before I burst in to tears.

I sobbed all the way home. I think it's because I know it's something I want so badly. I know it's in my future and I know it is my future in one form or another. But I also know that the hole that's growing in my job is not going to go away but instead grow larger. I need to figure that one out first. It's not fair that I can't afford to do what my heart wants me to do. I need to be a nurse to pay my mortgage.

I'm focusing now on trusting God and allowing him to show me the right path. The path that will allow my career as a nurse to intertwine with my passion for dogs. To be continued.