"It's Been a Long December....

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...."

I'm premature in writing this post as we are still three days away from the New Year. 2013. I never expected to see you so fast. I never expected to see you under these circumstances.

I haven't been blogging for some time. I've been busy. Busy living life, busy watching it crumble and busy trying to build it back up. This morning I found myself reading the posts I've written over the last few years and I'm nauseated. Save yourself the trouble of reading them yourself and take my word for it, I was lost. It is blatantly clear to me that I was putting hope into all the wrong things. Looking for things to fill the void inside that would never come close.

And now I sit with a heavy heart, painfully aware of whats been happening inside and out. Grateful for the 20/20 vision God has granted me. It's never easy to see yourself clearly, to identify where you've strayed and try and make amends to those who've been hurt along the way. Nonetheless it's a gift from God. I'm ready to see, to learn and to move forward into the new year striving for better.

I feel lighter. Not bogged down by all the things I was trying to manage. Not worrying about juggling all the things that I thought would fulfill me. Now it's just God. I'm looking to Him to fill the void. To be enough for me this year regardless of what else does or does not happen. No relationship or job or community or black lab or money or hobbies or material things can fill the void I was feeling. It's only Him. And in that comes peace. Peace in knowing that I will be okay without any of those things. Peace in knowing that He has a plan for me, and even though I don't know what that plan is, peace in knowing that He does.

I'll step into 2013 with peace and God in my heart. Heartbroken yes, longing for second chances to do things better, to do things through Him, the only way they should be done, yes, but peace and kindness and grace and love nonetheless.

A Very Vague Puzzle Analogy

Oh hey there. Yeah I'm still here. Taking hiatus I guess. Really my life has been less than blogable lately. Well actually some stuff has gone down but I'm not sure it's blogable.

The thing with blogging you see is that there is this fine line between being transparent and sharing my life and trampling on the privacy of others. I've tangoed with that line before. So through the following you will find a glimpse of my life and heart in the present time in the most vague way possible. It is my hope that by the time I'm done you will have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Now that I've got you chomping at the bit......

I've been waiting a long time for the pieces of my life to fall into place. Haven't we all? And are the pieces ever really all in place? It's like a puzzle, just when you think the last piece has been perfectly snapped in, someone comes along and bumps the table and mixes everything up again. Thanks.

So recently some pieces that I thought were lost forever found their way back onto the table. I haven't snapped them into place for good get, but they are hovering. I had this amazing moment of peace several months ago in which I gave everything I was worried about up to God. I said, "God, take it away. I don't want this worry or stress or control, it's Yours. I trust you and this path I'm following blindly." And what do you know, the man upstairs came through when I wasn't expecting it.

Nothing is that easy though. I think I expected God to hand the pieces to me on a platter and say, "Here you go, the pieces you thought were goners. Take them and enjoy." And just when I was basking in the glory of my found pieces God says, "Hold up, you must work for this."

Right now things aren't going according to my plan. One step forward, two steps backwards. And then I remember, this isn't my plan. It's still God's and I'm still supposed to be following like a good little blind lamb. Only this time I feel like my blindfold has been slightly lifted. I've caught a glimpse and it makes it that much harder to give it back to Him. I'm asking for help constantly. Giving up my anxiety and fear and frustration. Asking Him to take it back and hold my hand as I walk.

What would this puzzle be without a little work anyways. The reward would be a heck of a lot less if it was pre assembled when you take it out of the box. The best pieces are worth getting down on your hands and knees on the floor and searching through the piles of dog hair that live under your table for. Okay gross, I'm going to vacuum.

Happy Blogerversary

Ive officially been blogging for a year. It's flown by. Like wow time, stop moving so fast. I have been so anxious for things in my life to happen that I feel like I've missed a whole year. I've accomplished some of the things on my list and not done so many others. Ferris Bueller was right, life does move pretty fast and if you don't stop and look around once in awhile you WILL miss it. So here is to making each day count. Except the last few days. I've come down with some kind of virus that has left me feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I'm desperate for a vacation with none in sight. I guess they all count, even the sick days. I'm just better at appreciating the healthy ones. What's the point of this post you say? I don't really have one. I'm just grateful for another year to share my story and I'm going to try and appreciate this one more. So slooooooow it down, breathe deep and smell the Denali forest.....

The Waiting Game

We do a lot of waiting in life. Waiting for others, waiting to get somewhere and waiting more when we get there. Today I've been waiting in the surgical waiting room for my dad who is having surgery today. It's a bizarre place in life when you find yourself waiting for your parents. Up until now they've always waited on me. It's like I've officially become an adult. It's slightly unsettling and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a part of growing up I guess.

 Waiting is a bizarre concept filled with silence and fatigue and strange people in the waiting room who are also waiting, and at the moment eating fried chicken that smells amazing. Nothing to do but wait. Wait for news, good or bad. Wait. Thanking God for these quiet moments with nothing to do but think about my life and where it's going. Nothing like being forced to sit and think. Nowhere to go, nothing but people watching and fried chicken to distract you from your thoughts.

Right now I feel anxiety, anger, longing, love, fatigue and guilt. What are feelings really? Things that we project upon ourselves for no reason really. I'm the only one making me feel guilt, anxiety. Others make me feel angry but should I let them? Probably not. I should probably take this opportunity to thank God for these opportunities to trust him more, be content in this moment and stop worrying about what is going to happen next and when. Living in the moment people. Right here and now with the fried chicken.

Preparing for the BAM

I've been people watching. Watching people in my life and people not in my life (there was a particular sob story on the Today Show this morning that I'm referring too here....) hit bottom. Knowing that at any minute I too could hit bottom. I watch as my friends seek God out in their time of need and then I take a step back and wonder if I would be able to come up for air if placed in their position.

Right now, in my life the answer to that is a no. I'm stumbling in my walk with God. Wondering why it takes a major life crisis to stop and notice. I've been slacking on my devotionals only to open up today's to see the words "Make me your focal point." Why should I make God my focal point when I feel happy, when things are going well. I don't need God. I'll just continue on my merry way until BAM God knocks me down and says, "Don't think you need me? I'll show you."

Well I'm trying to stand up and take notice before the BAM comes. It will, it always does. It would behove (this is an awesome word) me to strengthen my relationship with God before it does but it's so easy to forget about the one who has given you everything when things are okay. Not until things turn to shit do we take notice.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except that it's on my mind and in my heart. I'm requiring daily reminders to make God my focal point and idol. To praise and thank Him on the God days, not just ask for help on the bad days. I'm working on my communication with others but perhaps if I worked first on my communication with God with rest would follow suit. Who knew learning to talk would be so hard.

A Jumbled Mess and Making Sense of it All

Hi my name is Rachel and I come from a dysfunctional family. You too? Great. Mom, don't freak out, this post is not going to be a repeat of family week.....


Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. Some more than others, some in stranger ways than others but it's there nonetheless. My family was and still is very loving. There was a lot of good in my childhood. What there wasn't a lot of was talking. No we're not mute. We talk. We talk about the weather and about school and about the other dysfunctional members of our family but not about ourselves, what we think or how we feel. Pause for my mom to get the Kleenex. 


Communication is essential in every relationship or family unit. When it happens on a superficial level as it has in my family, you grow up modeling that behavior. Thus, here I am, 25 years old and unable to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my head. I have verbal constipation. My head feels heavy, full of long and poetic thoughts I'm sure. I wouldn't know though. I wasn't taught how to process them and make them come out of my mouth all smooth and nice sounding.  I can't blame it all on my childhood, I've always been kind of an private, introvert. Growing up in a house where no one talked about anything important didn't help. 


I've been reminded of this recently, as I get to know new people and form new relationships. People want to know who I am and where I've been, what I'm thinking and I feel grossly inadequate when I can't communicate it. 


Apparently my sister suffers the same thing, practice she said. So here I am, practicing. Although I'm pretty sure what I should be practicing is saying them out loud, not through my fingers. It's amazing, blogging. I am able to perfectly communicate what I want to by typing. Most of the time I sit down without any idea of what I'm thinking or feeling and when I'm done typing I look over it and think, oh, I guess that was what I was thinking. So I will continue to blog. It's therapeutic for me and my fingers. I also promise to practice speaking with my mouth. Warning, I have no idea what will come out. It will definitely not be graceful and may not even be coherent at times but I'm told it gets easier with time and with the help of God. 


In other news, I'm obsessed with this new Jason Mraz song. I even bought tickets to his concert this fall in hopes that he will sing it to me live. It's amazing and it's the new anthem to my life. Here is a little tidbit for you.....




I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

Don't Mollest the Armadillo

What do you get when you combine Texas + Easter + One snuggle bunny and a 20 hour road trip....a damn good time.

My sister lives in Texas. It's a state I don't think any of us every thought we'd live in but nonetheless there she is. My mom still lives home in Chicago and me and my labbies, well we are still here in the KC. We've missed each other. Or at least I've missed them. So for Easter this year we decided we'd rendezvous in the south land of Abilene Texas. My mom hoped a yet plane to KC, I picked her up and off we drove a fun-filled 10 hours to Texas, the wildflower state (just one of the many interesting things I learned from my mom during our road trip fun.)

My mom and I both hate road trips. We both get car sick. Combine it with two smelly labbies in the back and you have a recipe for disaster. Alas, it was blissful. It was pure, uninterrupted time with my mom, something I'll cherish for life. Well, uninterrupted until the sweet jingle of my mom's iPhone alerted us to her many new hot deals flooding her email. Hi my name is Rachel's mom and I'm addicted to groupon. 

Regardless we spent the weekend basking in the Texas sun and the love of each other. That's all I'm going to say about this. The rest will live on in my memories. Here are a few pics to satisfy your eye candy. 

yes, this is a giant armadillo. only in texas. 

love you lady.